Not to Age You...

You look great!

Mar 10, 2024

On a recent Friday morning, I was sitting in a Zoom call for a virtual brand presentation. For all you non-media types, a good chunk of a lifestyle editor’s time is spent in what we call “market appointments” and press events. They range from intimate brunches to late-night ragers and, in this case, virtual calls, during which a brand will usually be launching new products. Shoes, clothes, camping gear, toys, you name it, there’s a market appointment we probably got invited to. In my case, I typically go to beauty launches, since that’s my main vertical of interest. (This newsletter is dedicated to the exploration of beauty, after all.) So this particular presentation was, indeed, a launch for skin care products.

The products were fun, but the line that really had my ears perking up was when the PR team member started to introduce the brand’s representatives: a woman who worked on the product development side, and the other in marketing.

The sentence was something along the lines of, “She’s been in the industry for over 20 years—not to age you. You look great!”

And then I was transported back to California, sitting on the terrace of a café in Hollywood in the fall, under a clear sky with a cool breeze, having a coffee with a friend, who is in her early forties.

“I want to look my age.”

She was on the verge of tears, eyes shining in the shade of the sunny day. One escaped, and she hastily dabbed at her eyes. My friend is a gifted creative, and our conversation had wandered from art practice to the topic of beauty and then aging. She shared how she didn’t like it when people said she “didn’t look her age” or that she “didn’t look like she was in her forties.” As someone who had once contemplated suicide, she was proud she had made it to 41. Any wrinkles, any “blemishes” (I feel like “beauty marks” are perhaps a better term) she had accumulated—she was proud of those. She earned those. They were a testament to a battle hard fought, and a remark that was meant to flatter (she didn’t look “old”!) erased the hardship and suffering she had endured to be alive.

That’s why hearing “…not to age you—you look great!” was strange. I hesitate to say jarring, because honestly, the phrase isn’t shocking. We do platitudes daily. We mean it as a compliment. I don’t fault the PR person. Glorifying youth is an engrained cultural practice. Honestly, it’s pretty much expected. It’s just that I’ve realized it totally invalidates our experience—especially women’s! In many ways, the sentence diminished the brand representative’s experience—20 years! That’s almost as long as I’ve been alive—and it also writes off the privilege it is to make it to this point in our lives. Everyone will be young. Not all of us will grow old.

So if you’re feeling a little weary of the lines that seem to be creeping in, I hope you know that they are beautiful. I’m not telling you what you should (or shouldn’t) do about them, if anything—that’s on you. But I hope that while they grace your face, you know that your age looks great on you, because you are alive, and, I believe, deeply loved.

What I’m Reading

“Going for Botox With My 82-Year-Old Mom In my 20s, I judged my mother for her midlife vanity. Now that I’m 55, I get it.” - Monica Corcoran Harel, The Cut
“The Irony of the Sephora Tweens”, - Elise Hu, The Atlantic
“Gracie Gold Doesn’t Want to Be Your Golden Girl”, Gracie Gold, Elle
“I Was a Heretic at ‘The New York Times’”, - Adam Rubenstein, The Atlantic
“‘Gut Health’ Has a Fatal Flaw”, - Yasmin Tayag, The Atlantic
Madame Bovary, Gustauve Flaubert
La Vieillesse/The Coming of Age, Simone de Beauvoir
Booth, Karen Joy Fowler

*These are not affiliate links.

What I’m Writing

The Precipice

As I wrote in my previous newsletter, I am launching an interview series this summer called “The Precipice.” In a series of 16 questions, I have a conversation with women on the brink of their next decade about how their relationship with beauty and beauty culture changes as they get older. I’m thrilled to share the logo, designed by my lovely friend, Annie Cai, a talented illustrator. The logo was inspired by Paul Gauguin’s painting, Where Do We Come From? What Are We? Where Are We Going? and one of my floral compositions that represent the stages of life.

If you know someone entering their next decade who would be interested in participating, let me know. (You can also volunteer yourself!) My hope is that these are honest, vulnerable, encouraging conversations about the reality of living and changing within the structure of society’s beauty culture—and show that being on the precipice is a beautiful thing.

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